


Let it die

by Stewolf



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Depression, FC Bayern München, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 10:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8140702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stewolf/pseuds/Stewolf
Summary: Robert falls for Mats who is wreckage of a human. Will Lewy be able to save him before it will be too late?Inspired by Starset song "Let it die"





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Koli008](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koli008/gifts).



> For koli_mn1 on Instagram ^^ 
> 
> Also big thanks to orangina for supporting me with this one :*
> 
> If you read this please leave a comment I would love to know your opinion.

World is a cruel place and no one can know when your biggest meaning of life will be taken away from you. When you understand what a fool you were for not dedicating each second of your time to that person as you tried to make your carrier going. And when emptiness shows up in your heart you are becoming a living wreckage of human for who nothing matters anymore.

Mats was standing next to coffin looking at beloved angelic face of his girlfriend. She looked even more calmer than before and that make him willing to cry again. He missed her eyes so much, her laugh, her support, touch of her warm skin. She was a beautiful girl who he met here in Dortmund that supported his team and their captain. She was a big fan of BVB and as she caught Mats after the training ones for autograph and picture Mats felt for her immediately. He was so amazed by her smile that he wrote down his telephone number not autograph. She called him next day and day after he was the one to start the conversation. One day they met in personal. And the day after. And before Mats could realise he was already her boyfriend. No one knew about their relationship except for Mats and hers families and some of their friends. She never wanted to be famous so Mats tired his best to not make it public. Maybe it was good to not see articles all around the internet that he lost the love of his life.

Funeral was really cameral and he did his best to show support to her parents. Mother was a crying mess and father was even more depressed than at the day when they got a message about her accident. Some drunk idiot drove into her car and there was not enough time for rescuers to save her life. Mats had a feeling that day that something wasn’t right, especially when there was a lack of ‘good luck’ message on his phone before match. But he needed to concentrate on his captain’s duty and make away game turn on their side. Sure they won 2:0 but it wasn’t making him happy. He rushed inside of locker room to check his phone. Still no message. He tried to call her but Mats met only with voice mail secretary so he left request to call him soon. As he was at the airport there was still nothing at his phone. Everything changed when he was in Dortmund and walked over to couch with team. It was the life changing moment when her father called him.

“Hello?” Mats answered the call a bit nervous. That man never called him without any big reason.

“Mats... listen there is something I need to tell you.” His voice was weak like he was crying minute ago. As for such strong man it was weird. Mats felt that his mouth is becoming dry. What is going on here?

“Is everything ok? You don’t sound good...” He was worried about him.

“Mats... Look... My sweet little baby is... she’s...”

“What happened to her?” Mats heart froze in horror. Did some hurt her? Is she in hospital? If some did something to her Mats promised that he will pay for the best lawyers in the world.

“She’s no longer with us, Mats”

“What?!” He screamed and Łukasz looked at him weirdly. Marco frowned his eyes, but somehow all of them got inside of the bus. Mats felt dizzy and scared. Whole word was a spinning blur as he heard the awful truth.

“She had an accident and... she’s dead”

Mats felt how his legs are getting weak and blood runs from his face. Second later he was in Marco’s arms, who kept him up. His phone was on the floor and he must have fainted for a second.

“Mats you’re ok, bro?” Reus asked worried. “You’re so pale...” He forced the defender to sit down on a seat. “Mats?”

But he looked far away in shock not hearing what people around him were saying. Just as they got to their destination Mats rushed to take a cab and drove over to her parents. The only one thing Mats could do than was to show them his support so he stayed there for a whole night taking care of her parents. They were in shock as well and her mother couldn’t get over it. She was crying all the time and Mats felt worst about it. What he was supposed to do? For his relief her brother and sister showed up so he supported them and followed every order to make her parents get through that horrible moment. Eventually they ended up in the living room, sitting next to candles and fireplace. They were praying and although Mats wasn’t a religious person he joined in with them as to support them. It was really moving to see how it brought them all together.

Next day when he was finally alone in his apartment. He left in the morning after the breakfast. He barely touched his food and he had no strength now to fight with himself. First tears came down his cheeks as he laid on the bed and he stayed like till the moon showed up on sky. Mats Hummels died inside that day.

_I cut you into pieces  
Searching for your imperfections_

It happened almost year ago. Mats was now in Munich again as his family was here to support him more. His parents tried to cheer their son but it wasn’t an easy task. Even Jonas couldn’t do much. Mats acted like everything’s fine but deep inside he was a mess. He decided to came back to Bayern after eight year because of many reasons. Of course everyone thought it’s because good contract or that it’s his home club where he grew up, that in Munich he has his family and so on. Of course that were a truth to some point, but deep inside he couldn’t take Dortmund anymore. Everything kept reminding him about her. Her parents were better now, as their other kids help them a lot and soon their first grandson joined the family. Mats was always welcomed in their house but her mother always cried when she saw him. She felt even more sorry for footballer then Mats felt for her. It was cruel for his feelings and eventually he talked to them about his moving to another club. Their farewell was really friendly as they made him a small dinner. However the person who was mostly worried about Mats was Benedikt, who knew that in Munich he won’t be able to take proper care of his friend. He knew that Hummels might do something reckless again. From all the people Mats knew Benedikt was always next to him even as the captain of enemy club. He drove every possible moment to Dortmund for past year to check on Mats. Benedikt knew about Mats secret relationship and supported him in it. He came with him to the funeral missing one of his training. But Benni would much more for his best friend.

 

First game that Robert could have with Mats in Bayern jerseys was away one for Supercup against Dortmund. He was worried about him especially that Mats eyes roomed around the city looking empty and sad as they were heading towards arena in their bus. However he was playing good that day. Unfortunately BVB fans were merciless for their former captain. They hooted him without any respect every time he was touching the ball. Mats kept himself together but his eyes were sadder than before.  Robert looked at him worried but all he could do was to walk over to Mats after the game to ask if he’s alright. Hummels wanted to be alone and Robert accepted his decision. The defender stayed for one day in Dortmund to visit his girlfriend’s parents after the game. They were nice to him and served a delicious dinner, congratulated on his winning and asked if he want to stay for a night. However he decided to stay in his apartment that he kept to the end of August. Then it will be sold. Place was almost empty and this emptiness reviled his emotions ones again. He was crying. Tears burned his skin like acid. Soon he was laying on the bathroom cold floor, feeling weak and lifeless. One text to Benedikt made Schalke player drove like mad to Dortmund to check on him. As he had extra keys since the first _accident_ he easily got inside of the house to find Mats doing _this_ again. He pulled trembling body to his arms and took care of him that night. In the morning he drove with him to Munich and stayed for two days to make sure he was over another crisis.

_I had plans to make you whole  
But all my threads couldn't stop the bleeding_

Robert was suspicious about Mats. Sure he acted like happy kid when it was needed but sometimes he looked so sad that striker’s heart cried in pain. Mostly Mats came for practices very early and headed towards his house really late. He never changed his clothes near Bayern’s team not even talking about showering. He had his dump excuse that he prefers to chill in long bath then under short rough shower. And he started to wear those idiotic undershorts. For what? It’s super cold already! If he wants to follow Manu’s steps he should wear undershirts (poor fangirls how will they get over it if another player will do that). As day off finally showed up Mats decided to practice a bit on his own because he couldn’t stand being alone in his house. Sure he have some friends over here but he already met with them so many times after practices that he couldn’t stand their repeating all over question “is he ok” or “I feel sorry for you” or “it will be better soon”.

Lewandowski tried to find out what’s wrong with his friend as he was sick of Hummels avoiding telling the truth. He woke up earlier then normally to drove at their practice place before anyone gets there. Mats hadn’t showed up yet so Robert parked his car at parking close to their practice place to not be spotted by Hummels who will park at Bayern’s. As he got inside he hid under showers and waited. As he heard someone entering the locker room Robert spotted his target. Oh my was he crying? Mats eyes were red and he sobbed with his nose a lot. Robert wanted to walk over to him and pull Mats to his chest, comfort him. His heart started to beat fast. Oh no is he falling for the defender?...

Mats started to take of his clothes. First he got rid of his t-shirt and then unzipped his pants. Robert froze at the most horrible view in his life. Mats inner tights were cover in scars and fresh cuts. Some of them were red and looked like he made them just a second ago. Robert automatically walked over to him and put his hand on Mats shoulder. Defender jumped scared and Robert spotted more cuts on his waist and a few fresh ones near his shoulder. What have he done to himself?

“Mats what is this?” He looked worried at him.

“None of your business” Mats hissed angrily and grabbed his shirt to somehow cover himself. Before he did so, Robert pulled him close to himself, wrapping his hands around bigger man. Mats was surprised by this move but he allowed Robert to do so. His touch was calming and it allowed him to relax a bit. They were standing like this until Mats sneezed. It was really cold in the locker room and his boxers where poor protection from low temperature.

“Put on your clothes” Robert moved back. “We can practice together if you want to”

 

Mats felt weird by Robert's behaviour but he allowed him to lead him on the pitch and do laps together. Then they kicked ball to each other and eventually Mats practiced his headers for a bit. Some other teammates showed up and Robert was almost crushed to the ground by Thomas, who joked and acted again like a dork that he is. Manuel walked over to Mats to ask him if he’s ok because he looks pale and so. Mats indeed felt bad and he told that he needs to rest a bit that day. Robert looked worried at him and walked after the defender to the locker room.

“Why you’re following me?” Mats looked at him.

“I had enough for today so maybe you want to do something together?”

“I don’t feel like this”

“Oh come on let’s take a cheat day and eat some pizza and drink wine. It will be great!” His voice couldn’t take any resistance so Mats agreed. They met one and a half hour later next to the park and went for a short walk. Even if Robert wasn’t very talkative person that day he was telling so many stories to cheer Mats up. When he talked about what kind of things happened at Poland National Team trainings he saw with joy inside of him that Hummels started to smile.

“You guys are impossible”

“We’re just a bunch of cool, funny handsome guys” Robert move hand through his hair and grinned at the defender. “Not like you, boring oldies”

“Well we don’t have a guys walking with camera after us all the time so no one knows what we’re doing there. And that is the best option” Mats grinned a bit.

“You dirty asshole tell me all the spicy details” Robert eyes shined with curiosity.

“No, you don’t want to know them” He laughed.

“Too late. I won’t let you go if you won’t tell me”

“Well ok, but don’t tell anyone that I reviled you this. Manu ones was driving crazy because some stole his Nutella and he literally walked inside of each room to look for it. But then he found out it was Philipp who always talks how bad it is for his health. They weren’t talking for so long after it especially that Flips had threw the Nutella jar into trashes. Jogi was so pissed off by them and so were we. We closed them in one room and eventually Flips asked Bastian to buy Nutella jar and bring it to their room.”

“And then what happened?” Robert grinned like devil (that he is).

“Well how to say it nicely. They had the best make out ever”

“With Nutella?”

“You know I wasn’t standing next to their bed looking how they are doing this. Knowledge that they are more than friends was enough for me.”

“So you have something against man-man relationships?” Robert rested his elbow on Mats shoulder.

“I haven’t said that” He smiled and walked into pizzeria. Mats is really cool, Robert needed to admit it. He almost forgot about his scars. Lewy bit his lips and followed Mats inside the restaurant.

 

Robert had a great time with Mats. He almost forgot as he was in Bayern how much a funny and friendly guys Hummels is. Mats smile was so beautiful and his laughter even more. If Lewy could he would pay all his money to leave it this way. But he couldn’t forget what he saw today. But it wasn’t a right time to confront Mats about it. He needs to make sure Hummels feels enough comfortable around Robert so he will tell him what’s wrong.

Mats felt ok with Robert at his side but as soon as they were separated defender felt alone and sad again. He forced himself to get to his house and he laid on bed for God know how long. Sad songs in his earphones weren’t helping much and he tried to find happier ones, but nothing really was interesting. So he changed back to sad ones and allowed single tear to run down his cheek. If Benedikt was here he would help somehow. But Schalke captain shouldn’t know that he feels shitty again. Mats served him enough stress already. He turned at his belly and hid face in the pillow. Eventually Mats sat up on the edge of the bed and looked at picture that was there. Her eyes made him wanting to cry again. His life is meaningless without her. He wished that Robert could hug him again. His touch was really calming...

Soon his eyes rested on a small razor laying near. His mind was a mess and somehow he wanted to reveal himself. Punish. If he would take a proper care of his woman she could be with him now. Why he was so stupid to not pay for fucking ticket in VIP section at that game and make her travel with Dortmund team? She always dreamed about it! He looked at it for some time and eventually grabbed the razor. His tights were already covered in scars but that was the only save place to cut. If not that he wore too short boxers today no one would know what he did. Eventually he drew the razor across his skin and short cut was made. Then another... And another... Small drips of blood showed up but this pain wasn’t satisfying for him. Not enough. Mats rolled up his t-shirt and razor dig inside of soft skin on this belly. Soon more blood was spotted by his eyes and one wound bleed more then he suspected. But he was just allowing it to do so as he made more cuts. Pain was good. For a moment he could think only about it not caring about his broken heart and mourning. Cuts and blood were a way to escape world full of emotional pain to the one of physical one. Even if just for a few minutes.

 

_There's nothing left, but I'm not leaving  
When all I know is you_

Robert couldn’t deny that he slowly fallen for Mats. His friend was making him smile without any reason, Lewy’s stomach was filled with butterflies as he stood next to Mats. When he scored a goal with his head against Jena, Robert wanted to pulled him into his arms so badly, but Mats was already surrounded by other players. Having him at his back was amazing feeling and for sure he felt more secure about his team’s defence. But he still saw those bloody underpants that Mats wore and how bad he looked sometimes. Was he still cutting himself? Robert felt bad about it, but somehow he couldn’t move away from Mats. His friend needed him and Lewy felt that if he loses him then there will be no more point in his life to try fighting more.

Time passed and some of Bayern players got sick just before the game against Ingolstadt. Thomas was really unhappy that he won’t be able to play as he was spamming to Robert about this in his text messages and Manuel needed to take Philipp’s role as captain. Flips gave him so many instructions that Manu looked more irritated then when he couldn’t eat Nutella. In the morning Mats informed the club that he won’t be able to play as well. Robert was worried about him but he needed to focus on a play. He scored one goal and it would be an awesome feeling but deep inside he was really worried. As they finished the game he couldn’t wait to leave the stadium and go check on Mats.

As he finally reached there it was really late and no lights showed if Mats is sleeping or not. Lewy rushed up the open staircase and knocked on the door, but he got no answer. Then he rang on the door. Still nothing. What if something happened to him? What if Mats was a mess and ended up hurting himself badly? What if cuts were deeper this time and his bleeds out there? Robert felt fear taking over his mind. Mats, please be good... He repeated knocking and ringing all over again till finally Mats opened the door. He was pale and his eyes were red again. But Robert almost couldn’t believe his luck and happiness, as he pulled Mats into tight hug. He buried his face inside of defender’s neck and closed his eyes.

“I was worried about you...”

“Why?”

“Because you wasn’t playing and then you couldn’t open the door faster and...” He finally looked up at Mats to see his confused look. He was in his jacket on and Robert had a feeling that something wasn’t right. Slowly he pushed Mats inside and closed the door behind him. “Take off your jacket” He asked.

“What?” He looked around nervously. “No!”

“Please”

“No fucking way. Go away!” He tried to move back from Robert, but he pushed him to the wall.

“I’m not leaving” He put his hands on the jacket’s zipper and slowly moved it down. Somehow Mats wasn’t resisting. He only closed his eyes and said quietly, almost begging.

“Please don’t scream at me...” Mats voice was so weak. And so his jacket landed on the floor. He had a sleeveless shirt on and Robert could saw every cut, every scar on the defenders upper arms. There were surely deep and must hurt a lot. Robert bit his lip and looked at mess that his friend was.

“Why you did this?” He touched Mats cheek.

“Because I miss her...”

“Who do you miss?”

“My girlfriend... she died almost year ago” These words slipped out from Mats lips. He hid his face inside of hands and started to cry. Soon he was sitting on the floor almost screaming in suffer. Robert moved next to him and put the other man closer to his body.

“I’m sorry” He whisper and allowed Mats to cry till he had no tears left. Lewy’s arms where still around trembling body, slowly moving his hands around Mats back to comfort him. He waited a bit longer and when Mats stopped shivering he stood up and helped the defender to get back on his feat.

‘Come on, let’s take care of them. You don’t want infection do you?” Robert search for first-aid kit and asked Mats to sit on the chair. Soon his arms where cover in bandages. “Maybe you will eat something?”

“I’m not hungry”

“Are you sure? But I bet you would enjoy some pasta”

“What is with you and Italian cuisine?”

“Oh just shut up and enjoy Robert Lewandowski cooking for you. Some fans would kill for this” He laughed and grinned devilishly.

“I wouldn’t because I know what kind of asshole you are” Mats smiled a bit.

“Ouch. But at least I’m a good looking asshole. You won’t find better one out there”

“Assholes are not really my think” his words made Lewy laugh loudly.

“What an idiotic joke we made, let’s change the subject. How about I put on some music?” Robert connected his phone with Mats speakers. At least he was able to make him smile that day. But what will happen next?

 

_I've been looking for a way  
To bring you back to life_

**Author's Note:**

> Thx for reading!


End file.
